Love Love Beating the Fight!
by Imaginarivalued
Summary: Ichigo let Rukia read martial arts shonen mangas and play fighting genre video games! Things make a turn for the worst and the resulting action escalates at school! Will our hero survive? Find out, in this seriously deranged crackfic of Buriichi!


The classroom door slides open to a slam as Ichigo rushes in, panting and looking as if he's running from a pancreas-eating cheetah/gorilla mixed breed bent on having fun with the closest person around.

"It's much worse than that!"

Ishida Uryu raises an eyebrow. "Much worse than what, Kurosaki?"

Ichigo blinks. "Actually," he looks around madly, "I'm not sure. But I do feel like I've just answered a pointless, dirty question."

"Like that time at the—"

"At the coffee shop."

"Yes, thank you, Sado-san. Like that time at the coffee shop when Grimmjow smashed through the windows and challenged you to a naked arm wrestling match?"

Abarai Renji cringes. "I swear to Buddha's fat, drooping earlobes, I can still hear the glass-shattering squeals of those damn yaoi girls and feel the blood from my violated eardrums dripping down my chin."

"You believe in Buddhism, Abarai-san?"

"I'd believe in the goddamn flying soba monster if it'd heal my traumatized everything."

"It wouldn't have been that horrifying if weren't for the fact that those harpies wanted us to make out with each other rather than with them."

Kojima Mizuiro smiles politely. "Oh, it wasn't so bad."

Renji sneers. "Only cuz' ya got lucky. I still can't believe the lot of ya found enough space in there to have a fiveso—"

"PEOPLE. I AM IN DISTRESS," Ichigo sort of roars.

"Oh, hey," Asano Keigo greets cheerily, "what's got you so worked up, Ichigo?"

"Something moronic, no doubt," Ishida adds as he pushes up his glasses.

"Would you all shut the frothing eff up so I can tell you—"

**JUST ANOTHER SAVAGE DAY ON PLANET EARTH.**

"……………………………………_._"

"……………………………………_.?_"

"……_..uhm…………….._"

"_Would someone mind telling me what the hell that was?_"

**ENTER THE DRAGON. TEEHEE.**

"_Who said that!?_"

"_I can't tell with all the lines of dialogue!_"

"_These italics are blinding!_"

"_Ohcrapocrapocrapocrap_," Ichigo panics, "Wh-where's Tatsuki!? I kinda need her like RIGHT NOW!"

Ishida pushes up a second set of glasses. "I think Inoue-san had invited Arisawa-san to play mini-golf using American footballs and water guns."

"Sounds sexah."

"You'd be surprised. Unpleasantly."

Chad raises his hand. "Mini-golf is sexy."

"…………..err………," Ishida blinks.

"Whatcha need Arisawa for, Ichigo? Finally decided to be a pal and smex her up? Cuz' ya know, that'd free up Rukia and then I can finally make my—"

"Whoa there!" Ichigo points at Renji, "Rukia! That's the problem! She's gone batty! Also, if you touch her, I'll rip your limbs off with my teeth. N-not that I care or anything."

Chad raises his foot. "Gone batty for Chappy?"

"N-not this time!"

Everyone gasps. Chad topples over. Someone screams.

"Aw, man," Renji groans, "Will this require us to hide in an air-raid shelter and subsist solely on patoto crisps again?"

Chad nudges him. "No lips on the potato chips."

"…wha?"

"What ever have you done, Kurosaki?" Ishida demands, pushes up his glasses, misses, and tries to snort out his finger.

"It's not my fault! I'm at least eighty percent guilt-free in this entire affair!"

Chad shakes his head. "Fruity and guilty."

"Hey! You can't blame me for her lunacy! All I did was make the totally understandable and completely miniscule mistake of letting her read a couple of Street Fighter mangas. And I m-may have watched a couple cinematic animes with her. O-okay, so the extra Bruce Lee movies were a tad over the top, but it's all Urahara's fault she got her hands on those video games! I can't even beat her once! It's absurd! She just kept doing that stupid overhead kick and punching me in the navel cavity as a 'strategy of distraction'! As if! That twinkies stealing bit—"

"Kurosaki!" Ishida snaps his fingers, "Focus!"

"H-huh? Oh, yeah. Anyway, she's crazy."

"……….so?"

**SLAAAAAAM! **The classroom door flies across the room like a giant, blurry shuriken and slices through the windows. The anguish scream of an innocent track member can be heard.

Rukia leaps in, wearing a short, short lavender cheongsam and adorning twin braids, and poses cutely.

"Here comes a _new challenger_! Sugoi desu ne!? Tee hee! Yatta!"

"Oh…right."

"Heavens almighty, no!" Ichigo screams and uses a desk as a shield.

Chad covers his own eyes.

Renji's nose bleeds a little.

Mizuiro, having sensed something amiss, steps out of the classroom quietly and excuses himself politely.

Keigo spazzes excitedly. "Oh. Me. Deva. On. High. K-K-K-K—" he rockets toward the now hopping Rukia in a burst of unbridled inappropriate energy, "—KAWAIIIIII—snnglerk!" and chokes into an elbow jab to his throat.

Rukia stomps on the extremely pained Keigo's shin, breaks his balance, swivels around, and slams her backhand into his face without looking. _THWACK!! _"_Wachaaaaaa!_" Her fist shakes theatrically.

Keigo crumbles to the floor in tears and missing teeth and agony.

Renji's nose bleeds even more.

"…………………………"

"………………………………"

"…………………OH, SNAP."

Renji wipes his nose. "Is it just me or was that the hottest thing ever—gurk!"

_CHWACK!! _"Chappy Uppercut!!" Rukia declares gleefully with an uppercut to Renji's chin, sending him to plow into the ceiling like a re-rooted carcass plant. Blood drizzles down merrily from the cracks.

"_Effing royal_!" Someone declares from the dumbfounded crowd.

Eyes shining like a leopard in a corpulent sheep herd, Rukia snaps the other piece of the door off its hinges. "Sonic Boom!" She declares cheerfully and flings it like an airborne guillotine.

Upon realizing that the seemingly cute character of braids and potential panty shots was also the likely source of decapitation, panic became widely distributed in a manner of three dozen chickens desperately trying to escape the confines of an active oven.

"Brave or Grave!!" Rukia shouts merrily and sends the panicked student body to their unfortunate demise.

Those who were lucky enough to survive that day blogged and twittered about it like the closeted fools they were.

Ishida walks forward amongst the room of catapulted students, and shouts, "Kuchiki-san! Cease this ridiculous behavior at once!" to which Rukia responds by picking up two disassembled ventilation shaft fans and demurely covers her giggle.

"Domo Arigatou! Roboto-san! The Wheels of Fate are turning! Wakatta!?"

The Quincy follows her gaze to his kneecaps. "Uh………you wouldn't severely injury a person wearing three pairs of glasses, would—"

Rukia leaps over to the teenager, pulling out two pins from her hair at the same time, and stabs them into Ishida's eyes. "Sou desu ne!? Heaven or Hell!? Seeing is believing!"

"Dear Gawd!" Ichigo nearly wets himself.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Ishida falls to his knees, convulsing and screaming in terrible anguish. "Damn the shinigami! How will I ogle Inoue-san's bountiful sweater meats now!?"

Rukia pulls a Chun-Li style taunt with all smiles and then delivers a roundhouse kick to the side of the Quincy's head. "Pigeon Bird Kick!"

Ichigo stares in disbelief. "Th-that's not even the right attack you psychotic bitch!"

From Renji's head punctured hole in the ceiling, more blood drips down.

The apparent killing machine of a female shinigami turns to Ichigo, eyes blazing. "Go for broke! Head Cha La!"

"That's the last time I let you watch DBZ—dear Jiminy Cricket!" Ichigo barely dodges a fireball shot with the force of a dozen kidous.

"Mudada!" Rukia laughs as she prepares to do what she has been doing for the past ten minutes, only with more burning people the shit up, "HADOUKEN!"

"SPAMMER!"

"Shou Timu! Heehee! Fighters! Fight or Die!!"

Ichigo barely manages to dodge a karate chop to the nether region. "Would you stop aiming there!?"

"Eehhh!?" Rukia pouts, "sukijanai ka?

"Of course I don't like it! W-well, maybe if you a bit gentler about—holy shit on a stick!" He rolls out of being skewered by ventilation shafts.

Rukia laughs tauntingly. "You a big fool!"

"Why couldn't I have just let you watch Lucky Star!?"

"HaaaaAAAAHHHH!!" Rukia roars, gathering immense amounts of spiritual energy into her palms. The sheer intensity of the power being harnessed was enough to set the unconscious Keigo's hair on fire.

"She's gone beastly, folks!" someone shouts off-screen, "This could end any moment with an Ultra Combo Finiiiiiiish!"

Ichigo's pupils dilates and sweat drips down his forehead.

Rukia smirks devilishly at him. "Last words ga aru ka?"

Ichigo closes his eyes and awaits his untimely death by otaku gone wrong…

Chad steps into view, standing tall between them.

Rukia blinks and glares in caution.

"Chad, don't!" Ichigo shouts, "You'd be killed! By Rukia! It hurts a lot more just to be killed by her!"

Chad wordlessly crosses his arms and dramatically announces: "Time Over."

As if struck by a mortal blow, Rukia's poised attack dissipates and she kneels to the ground in apparent defeat.

Ichigo blinks and smiles in crazed glee. "Chad! You most awesome of—"

"Round Two."

Upon the two words, Rukia summersaults back into position with venomous delight.

"—douchiest douchebag ever to be born anywhere in the history of douche—"

"Readyyyyy, Fight!"

"—who can't find his way out of a plastic douche bag cuz you're a douche and—holy flying hippo butts!"

Landing agilely after her missed kick, Rukia resumes her attempts at breaking all of Ichigo's limbs. "Prepare for Rukia-sama! Chappy Destruction!"

"That's it!!" Ichigo screams, "I've had it!"

He charges at Rukia, positions himself just slightly over her knee jab, tackles her to ground, and pins her down with his weight.

Rukia blinks in surprise and struggles a bit.

"Hah? Ha-ha-ha-hahah!" Ichigo cheers, "You totally got owned! Now stop being such a—um, why are you looking at me like that?"

Rukia's violet eyes narrow appreciatively as she smirks from under him. "_Perfect_," she purrs and actually licks him.

"……………………uuuuuhhhhhhhhh…….." He looks to the side as Chad crouches down next to them.

The large teen glances down briefly at the space between the two and announces in baritone: "Winner got boner."

* * *

AN: The only reason I wrote this is just for that last line. Seriously. I've been playing video games. A lot. For the past three months. I want to stop. But I can't. Save me?


End file.
